The Pam Ward Chronicles: Week 14

(Taps microphone.) Is this thing on? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? (Taps mic again.)

Hi. Sorry I had to ditch y'all these last two Saturdays. If there are any of you left after slipping into a tryptophan coma (re: the "itis") on Thursday, please join me as I try to keep abreast of the best of our play-by-play and color announcers during Week 14. I'll be with you until about 7 EST or so, because then I'm headed out to Spanos Stadium and some FCS playoffs between Cal Poly and Weber State.

Here's your announcing schedule for Week 14, and let's hop to it! Our leader, the matron saint of this feature, is calling Maryland/BC, 2nd place holder Lou Holtz will be in studio, and Uncle Gary is at the Iron Bowl in Tuscaloosa. I'll be starting at noon EST with Craig Bolerjack and Trev Alberts with Georgia Tech/Georgia. GO BEEEEEEEEEEES.

I originally wrote this as Ian Eagle and Craig Bolerjack, but the 'Jack is doing play-by-play. Yikes, we're gonna be in for a long morning.

Rick James Bible Owner gets us started with some gems from earlier this week:

"(The Big XII) isn't even going to wait and use the BCS standings after the Championships. They're gonna use the November 30th BCS standings." - Rod Gilmore

After a fumble that led to an ASU touchdown:
"You have to play to the whistle." - Chris Spielman
"Except the guy for UCLA (Coleman) is completely deaf." - Sean McDonough

"You know the rule. If you're long, you're never wrong." - Chris Spielman

That's just goofy.

"And there's Dante Lewis" (referring to Dante Love) - Todd Harris, from Tuesday's Ball State game (via BRuss)

"I had so much turkey, that I'm going to explode" - Craig James, during Texas A&M-Texas on Thursday

"A little bit too long for Macho Harris." - Andre Ware (via SSReporters)

"That was like a wedge shot, stuck on to the green. 30 yard punt." - Craig Bolerjack, mixing his sports analogies

"You can hear the concussion from that hit all the way from up here." - Ron Franklin, during Friday's Colorado-Nebraska game (via Stephen)

"Bet you love that when the mouthpiece went flying." - Dave Pasch, after Tyrod Taylor got nailed.
"No. No. I didn't." - Andre Ware
"Did you get up and look for the mouthpiece, use it again?" - Pasch
"Yeah, you got up and looked around for it on the ground, see if you could find it." - Ware

Taylor's gonna be feeling that one all of next week too.

Notes: Sly Croom just got fired or resigned, depending on whom you actually talk to, at Mississippi State.

"Three flags thrown. This ground is littered." - Craig Bolerjack

Honestly, I thought Trev Alberts would say more. He's barely talked this first half.

"John Chapas does a great job of getting behind the uglies there." - Trev Alberts, as Chapas takes a pass from Matt Stafford and makes his way to a first and goal.

"The BCS will take more than Jesse Palmer to figure out." - Wendi Nix, via BSPN

"They haven't penetrated the 40 yard line of Clemson so far." - Eric Collins, via BSPN

"What a year it has been for Brev.....Brett Favre." - Craig Bolerjack, via SSReporters. Craig isn't used to doing the promo end of things for the NFL games.

I just saw Lee Corso in a commercial for Hooters and it disturbed me greatly, aside from the high school AV club production quality.

"A little Dab will do ya." - Tim Brando on Clemson coach Dabo Swinney, who's up 24-7 on the Ol' Ball Coach and his 'Cocks at halftime -- via RJBO

"It was a run from the very....snap of the football." - Andre Ware (via SSR)

"Virginia is for lovers, but there's plenty of hate in this rivalry." - Todd Harris. Ah, the power of cliche....

"The sting is back!" - Trev Alberts, after Jonathan Dwyer goes 60 yards down the sideline for a touchdown.

"And Dwyer for a touchdown.....I mean two!" - Craig Bolerjack, still stunned after that great run when Dwyer runs in the two-point conversion pitch.

"Now let's get that recipe for that Brunswick stool...I mean stew!" - Dave Pasch (Via Anon)

GT just came back from at least two scores down to tie the Dawgs at 28. You should be watching this. VA Tech and UVA are tied at 14, and Clemson is up 24-14 and knocking on the door for another score. Kansas is up 26-10 over Mizzou in the Border War.

"Todd Reesing's swagger is as big as it's been all year long." - Dave Lapham, and as Agent Zero would say, Todd's swag is phenomenal.

Um, Georgia Tech just got another touchdown on a Jonathan Dwyer run and is up 35-28. BEEEEEEEES.

"Big Rock toted it in, got it across the line before the ball got free." - Tom Hammond, giving the nickname for the Southern fullback who just scored. Southern and Grambling are playing in the Bayou Classic on NBC right now, and if you do anything, check out the halftime show for the bands.

"We've got a good ol' fashioned frog choker in Tallahassee." - Brad Nessler (via SSR)

Battle of the Bands time! Everyone to NBC right now!

"You've got an inch into it." - Brad Nessler (via James Craven)

"You talk about sex, she can't even keep her gum in her mouth." - likely (but not sure) of Dave Lapham during KU/Mizzou (amazing finish to that game), via Stephen

"Demps was faster than a rabbit in love." - Brad Nessler, via two Anons. I think we have a new leader in the clubhouse this week.

"I saw him go right down the line and straddling it."- Uncle Gary Danielson, via Stephen

"They'ne not built to come from behind. They're not built to come from ahead, either." - Uncle Gary on Auburn's offense, via James Craven

"I get myself in trouble sometimes saying these things." - Uncle Gary, after Uncle Verne references the previous comment.

"I'll go either way, I'm amphibious."- Uncle Verne Lundquist
"Yes I know that."- Your reigning Pammy Champion, Gary Danielson (via Stephen)

"They say Superman wears Tim Tebow pajamas." - Nessler, recycling internet jokes. (via Mal)

"Who's your top performer of the week, Rob?" - Nessler
"My digestive system. Had a great Thanksgiving. My mom had all the duffin muffins, turkey, and stuffing, and it performed great." - Rob Stone

"I gotta go with Brooke Burke, the Dancing with the Stars champion. I hope my wife didn't hear that and I hope her husband didn't hear that." - Nessler, on his Top Performer of the Week.

"Maybe I gotta go with Brooke's husband, any guy who can deal with a guy grabbing his wife for 12 weeks is a top performer." - Nessler
"All kissin' and huggin' her and stuff." - Bob Griese

"Jenkins, a true freshman, is seeing his first action of the year. He's made 10 starts." - Bob Griese, via Smitty Lite.

I tuned into a football game and I swear I stumbled into a bad stand-up show instead. James asked a good question a while ago: where's Stacey Dales? Her hotness might make this tolerable.

Not necessarily a bad announcing thing per se, but an error: in mentioning the number of black Division I-A coaches after Sly Croom's resignation, Tim Brando and Spencer Tillman are saying there are only two (Turner Gill at Buffalo and Kevin Sumlin at Houston.) Guys, don't forget Miami's Randy Shannon.

"How high can Rice count?" - Carter Blackburn, as Rice begins to run it up on Houston.

"24 years later we still have some Flutie Magic." - Ray Bentley, after Doug's nephew Billy Flutie throws a TD on a fake FG.

Florida is waxing the floor with FSU, Auburn is supplying the butt for Alabama,, and the Baylor-Texas Tech tilt is not on TV in my area...never mind, it's on Versus, but that almost doesn't count as televised.

"Touchdown Texas Tech Griffin, Touchdown Baylor Griffin."- Ron Thulin, master of the team identification (via Stephen)

"This isn't his first goat race." - Nessler, on FSU's Drew Weatherford (via Mal)

"I think their pager sensitivity needs to go up." - Kelly Stouffer (via Mal)

Anon provides us with a nice summation of this Versus team: "These guys on VS calling the Texas Tech-Baylor game are some of the worst I've ever heard. Just generally clueless about the rules and what is going on."

Ron Thulin and Kelly Stouffer, everyone. Their crews and camera work have been very poor since Versus got college football last season. Absolutely hackish work.

Guys, I've gotta get ready to go to the Cal Poly game (get cash, walk to the stadium, etc.) Have fun with Bedlam (OK-Okie State) and the further shaming of Pear Bryant as Notre Dame supplies the butt for USC tonight, and I'll see you back here for NFL action tomorrow.

"The two highest-ranked [Big 12 South] teams in the BCS will go to Kansas City and play Missouri in the championship game." - Ron Thulin

"I miss the nightclubs where you didn't need to bring a gun." - Mike Patrick on the Burress incident

"In the upper right folks that is Boone T. Pickens." - Brent Musberger mixing up the correct name of T. Boone Pickens

Musburger: "I listened to your gal Beyonce."
Herbstreit: "What'd you think?"
Musburger: "I went right back to Willy Nelson so fast it was unbelievable. But I'll say one thing; she is attractive...oh baby."

"They line up those tight ends and bang and bang."- Gary Danielson

"Does OU have enough style points to overhaul Texas?"- Brent Musburger