Yesterday we announced Decision 2012, the biggest election in the history of the blogosphere! Your chance to decide whether or not AA legend Craig James retains his place on our esteemed Mount Rushmore. It won't be easy though. Senator James will have to hold off three challengers, each one battling through a tough primary season to reach the final stage.
The second of those primaries features a selection of AA's favorite analysts and ex-jocks who now reside behind a microphone. The only thing these analysts will do to your brain is make it hurt. For each primary, you'll see a list of candidates, their credentials, platform for America, and a campaign video from their past that may influence your vote.
The Jockular Party
"Perplexing the 99% with our privileged perspective one cliche at a time."
Candidate: Mark May
Credentials: ESPN college football analyst, conspiracy theorist, favortist
Platform: Lead a secession of SEC states from the union... and don't forget Pitt!
Campaign Video: "Mark May Sucks"
Candidate: Tony Siragusa
Credentials: NFL on Fox sideline analyst, space eater upper
Campaign Video: "100% Pure Honey"
Candidate: Pierre McGuire
Credentials: NHL on NBC between the glass analyst, moonlighting water polo reporter
Platform: Withhold any and all relevant or interesting information from the American people.
Campaign Video: "The Long Stick"
Candidate: Matt Millen
Credentials: ESPN college football analyst, recovering wide receiver addict, leading Joe Paterno theorist
Platform: Did you see what I did to unite the people of Detroit?
Campaign Video: "Apology"
Candidate: Jon Gruden
Credentials: ESPN Monday Night Football analyst, lover of anyone who throws a football
Platform: Send everyone through Gruden's Boot Camp, make "Spider 2 Y Banana" our new national motto
Campaign Video: "God Bless Tony Romo"
Candidate: Warren Sapp
Credentials: NFL Network analyst, fake Youtube judge, terrible interviewee
Platform: Still searching for the real snitchers, plus real experience dealing with a debt crisis.
Campaign Video: "Drag Queen Brawl"
Candidate: Reggie Miller
Credentials: Turner NBA analyst, mediocre user of words
Platform: Destroy the New York Knicks... although they seem to be doing a good enough job of that on their own these days
Campaign Video: "What a dodge to bullet!"
Vote for your favorite candidate!