A complete list of ESPN personalities who should cover the Chicago Blackhawks
This week ESPN has been forced into covering the NHL thanks to the incredible streak of the Chicago Blackhawks, which has now reached 23 straight games with a point to start the NHL season.
Because SportsCenter actually hasn't covered the NHL in years, and because the daytime editions of SportsCenter are quickly becoming nothing but mindless talk and meaningless debate that makes you want to tear your brain out of your skull and run it through a meat grinder, the Blackhawks streak has proved to be a nightmare scenario for Bristol. The streak has become a large enough story nationally for ESPN to have to pay attention to hockey beyond the one minute cameos where Barry Melrose is let out of whatever Bristol dungeon he's kept in.
The result? ESPN embarrassingly trotting out Stephen A. Smith to try and analyze the Blackhawks' streak, even though he was not aware of the basic premises of the sport. The next day it was college basketball analyst Seth Greenberg's turn to debate the merits of the Blackhawks, evidently because he was the guy standing closest to the set at the time. Today, it was Chris Broussard's turn, and although he fared better than the previous two, he looked like he'd rather break down quantum mechanics.
But instead of just throwing our hands up in the air and wondering why ESPN has basically given up on SportsCenter and throwing random people on national television to talk about the NHL, we want to help. If the live daytime episodes of SportsCenter are going to spiral into a black hole abyss and debate completely irrelevant topics like "Who's the greatest center of all-time in any sport," (that seriously happened today) at least we should have some input along the way.
Here's a completely serious list of the people at ESPN we'd like to see break down the Chicago Blackhawks next...
(See if you can spot the people that actually cover hockey!)
1. Norman Chad
2. Howie Schwab
3. Peter Alliss
4. Liam Neeson
5. Teddy Atlas
6. Tommy Smyth
7. Roger Cossack
8. Sal Paolantonio
9. Gonzalo Le Batard
10. Matthew Berry
11. John Clayton
12. Brett McMurphy
13. Marty Smith
14. Hubie Brown
15. Jenn Brown
16. Brad Gilbert
17. Dan Rafeal
18. John Buccigross
19. Shannon Spake
20. Brian Phillips
21. Lester Munson
22. Ricky Craven
23. Randy Pedersen
24. Steve McManaman
25. Katie Baker
T26. Joe Lunardi
T26. Brad Edwards
28. Hank Goldberg
29. Carolyn Peck
30. Pierre LeBrun
31. Tony Reali
32. Marianela
33. Danny Kanell
34. Reese Waters
35. DJ Rob Swift
36. Darren Woodson
37. Taylor Twellman
38. Scott Burnside
39. Heads on sticks
40. Mel Kiper Jr.
41. Chad Ford
42. Charissa Thompson
43. Wright Thompson
44. Fran Fraschilla
45. Jeff Van Gundy
46. Paul Azinger
47. Kenny Mayne
48. Tom Luginbill
49. SVP & Russillo
50. Bill Simmons
67. Jonathan Coachman
71. Shaka Hislop
73. Brock Huard
82. Lee Corso
99. Herm Edwards
109. Whoever the analyst is for the Spelling Bee
110. Whoever the analyst is for the Crossfit Games
111. John Skipper
122. A rotating panel from ESPN PR
134. Darren Rovell
218. Brent Musburger
256. This guy
257. Barry Claus
313. Mike & Mike
398. Chuck Klosterman
400. Bill Kazmaier
411. Rick Reilly
469. Magic Johnson
554. The ESPN cafeteria staff
555. Colin Cowherd
556. Vince Doria
633. Matt Millen
721. SportsCenter voiceover guy
722. 30 for 30 voiceover guy
898. Dick Vitale
1092. Jay Mariotti
1312. The Swami
*infinity symbol* Stephen A. Smith & Skip Bayless
John Buccigross and Charissa Thompson wouldn't be a bad choice eiher because she did work as an Ice Level reporter for the NHL on VERSUS for a year or 2!
@awfulannouncing ...Bestwick, a hockey player and fan, would put the idiots in Bristol in their place.
@awfulannouncing Allen Bestwick should do it. The fact that the NASCAR guy will likely know more NHL than normal anchors will be comedy gold
@CBJSprague24 @awfulannouncing Paul Page could do it. Or you could get Bob Lamey, who's the Colts play by play who used to cover hockey.
@awfulannouncing (cont.) It's actually pretty good. Buccigross and Levy take turns as host. Melrose and Scott Burnside are also on the show
@awfulannouncing Not all hope is lost for ESPN and the NHL. They do have show I've seen on their YouTube channel called "Inside the NHL"...
@awfulannouncing After game break during Bulls-Spurs to show winning goal, Mark Jones noted there have been ties in the streak
@awfulannouncing The ESPN moustaches have stated #NASCAR, #Golf, and #Poker are bigger than the #NHL
@awfulannouncing I'll be rooting for 22. Even though he is smart enough not to do get dragged into this debate crap.
@awfulannouncing John Clayton from his room in his mom's house w Slayer in the background vs Shaka Hislop
@awfulannouncing my favorite part out the Stephen a Smith rant on hockey ties was when he called Sarah Walsh "Hannah"
@awfulannouncing Well, 9 did it on his show today when they asked the golden question: Heat or Blackhawks.
@awfulannouncing Really hoping for 6. At least "bulging the ol' onion bag" would be sport-appropriate.
ESPN doesn't have an NHL licence so why would they talk about the NHL. As an NHL fan that makes me really happy that I don't have to deal with ESPN. So, I really only watch NBCS. Sports Center is not the be all/end all and neither is ESPN.
Watched the beginning of Sportscenter last night and they were trying to cover their butts by talking at length (relatively) about the Blackhawks.
Linda Cohn. She and Buccigross used to cover hockey when ESPN had the contract. Obviously, Katie Baker would be a great choice, too. If Mariotti covers it, I'll be tempted to use battery acid as an eye wash.
Wayne Gretzky is the greatest CENTER of all time in any sport. His numbers dwarf anyone else.
Wouldn't it make more sense....if they got some people from the ESPN in Canada to do a video interview.......just a thought
But covering the Lakers like they are a championship team and Tim Tebow like he's Joe Montana is great for sports. Or just creating show after show where all people do is debate about things that they have no knowledge of is great television.
That was a nice chuckle. If First Take debated this list, would that cause the world to go into some endless loop then?
@awfulannouncing Colin Cowherd should be much higher up after his comments about us hockey writers last year.
