The hoopla surrounding the Charlie Sheen roast on Comedy Central last night got me thinking... which sports personality would make the best roastee?  Of course, Charlie Sheen has blazed his own insane trail filled with warlocks, tiger blood, drugs, porn stars, more drugs, television shows, crazed rants, winning, and even more drugs.  The roast last night was funny, but with all of Charlie Sheen's craziness, it left me a little underwhelmed from the pure insanity perspective... even with Mike Tyson and Jeff Ross dressed as Moammar Gadhafi sharing the stage with him.  (By the way, Ross, Anthony Jeselnik, and Shatner topped my Charlie Sheen Roast Power Rankings for those wondering.)  Could anyone in sports produce such a scene or be deserving of their own roast?  We took to Twitter so you could tell us who you want to see on the hot seat... figuratively or literally.  As always, these are Real Tweets from Real People...

CoreyNYC @awfulannouncing Brett Farve or A-Rod, for all the obvious reasons.
derekjhernandez @awfulannouncing Lebron James. would be brutal and there would be plenty of roasters to choose from.
TurtleZoot @awfulannouncing Albert Haynesworth, because he's such a friggen easy target for jokes. And he deserves MEANNESS to him
JamesonFleming @awfulannouncing Double-Roast: Rob and Rex Ryan because well simply they are Rob and Rex Ryan.
chrisbahnNJ @awfulannouncing ARod, especially if his teammates were there, find out how they really feel about him
TVGugs @awfulannouncing In a world where nobody was allowed to pull punches and he couldn't fire anyone for it, a Vince McMahon roast would rule.
ejmaroun  @awfulannouncing LeBron. Wait, by roast you mean actually hold him over an open flame, right? #CavsFan
HossBonaventure @awfulannouncing Charles Barkley would be a good one, mostly because he has a sense of humor. I feel like most athletes do not.
RYbbc34 @awfulannouncing if you're talking a physical roasting, i bet Chris Berman would look good cooking over a fire with an apple in his mouth

YankeeMegInPHL @awfulannouncing Chris Berman. So I can annoy the shit out of him too.
CaptTouchback @awfulannouncing Berman...He has zero sense of humor about himself. So much to roast him about. He would take it worse than Michael Scott.
metsfanmurph @awfulannouncing I would like to see Derek Jeter get roasted because for one day I would like to see people not kiss his ass.
RalphieBoyy @awfulannouncing Ozzie Guillen - I'd quit on him mid-roast and see how he reacts. Actually ditto Manny Ramirez on that one...
WiburTN  @awfulannouncing Joe Buck, but, I would hope that eventually people would give up on being funny and just make him cry.
kingsmill63 @awfulannouncing I would like to see Sean Avery because, to put it simply, he is a jackass.
donnarey188 @awfulannouncing Stephen A. Smith. Oh wait, did you mean roasted figuratively?
NotCoachTito  @awfulannouncing I would like to roast Dan Shaughnessy. I mean literally. With fire.

And now, the Craig James category...

HarveyMireles @awfulannouncing OMG I need a Craig James Roast in my life with Official Roastmaster Mike Leach!
ProfessorDrew @awfulannouncing Craig James. Because everyone would actually mean all the shit they say to him.
LoneTweeter @awfulannouncing If it could be literal roasting, Craig James. #firecraigjames
OHD_Michael  Craig James, but the insults wouldn't be jokes
OsamaBinLowden @awfulannouncing craig james. Mike leach get first crack at him.
CaptTouchback @awfulannouncing Craig James...but Mike Leach and Bruce Feldman have to be on the panel. Must See TV!
semicorrect @awfulannouncing I want to see Craig James roasted, and not just with comedy. #ImmolateCraigJames

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The organizers of The World's Largest Chicken Dance at Oktoberfest were drawn to Joe Morgan's chicken-like flapping back arm when he played almost 30 years ago, but what they got out of this year's LEADER was a chicken running around with his head cut off. (Chicken puns, I know you like those).  

See the embarrassment for yourself (via The Score): 

It's kind of sad that Morgan had to YouTube how to do the dance the night before (clearly not following his six P's again), despite the fact it's played at baseball stadiums every night, but it's even more depressing that Morgan was allowed to half-ass this chicken shit on a large stage with pretty, short-skirted girls, who happened to be showing half of their asses.

It appears ESPN's/Bruschi's attempt at creating a contrived controversy was indeed as baseless as we all assumed. This morning Tom Brady spoke to WEEI in Boston and had this to say about the Ocho/Bruschi brouhaha...

“None of those guys have any clue what they’re talking about,” Tom Brady said Monday morning on WEEI when asked about criticism of Ochocinco from ex-Patriots like Tedy Bruschi and Rodney Harrison. “They aren’t in this locker room.”

Matt wrote about this "story" when it first broke, and you can read it here. I pretty much completely agree with everything that was said there as it's been nearly a week and I still can't fathom how anything Ocho said was worth getting worked up about. I mean, Brady threw for 500+ yards, that's absurd. If Ochocinco wants to use his 140 characters and half a minute to complement his teammate on such an otherworldly performance, then that seems like a completely normal human response.

This entire... whatever it is, just reeks of ESPN creating the story rather than reporting it. One of my 5,000 complaints with ESPN deals with the fact that almost all of their on air talent is recently retired athletes that have no schooling or professional experience. Their "experience" almost exclusively was them spouting off nonabrasive cliches in interviews, and for the most part we get players who openly cheerlead for whomever recently employed them, speaking in cliches as athletes instead of as reporters. They really are not completely separated from the game and they still insert themselves in it when they feel the need to.

I was kind of looking forward to finding Bruschi's Twitter account and taking some innocuous tweet and getting completely riled up about it until I found his account. Yes, Tedy has an account, but is yet to tweet, and best of all his name is @Brufasa with a picture of Mufasa as his avatar. I can't hate on that, no way.

The only thing of substance I'm taking from this is hopefully the emergence of the phrase "video game numbers" when describing an absolutely insane performance. For those that aren't nerds, and might be confused by such a phrase, it basically means achieving something that is drastically above what real life athletes are perceived to be able to accomplish. An example of this is I remember playing NCAA Football back in the day and my running back had a 40/4,000 year (40 TD's, 4,000 yards rushing). Right now, real life Tom Brady is on pace to have a 7,500 yard passing season, breaking the previous record by nearly 2,500 yards. Sure, he'll probably not throw for 7K+ yards in a season, but I'm sure someone somewhere in some damp dark basement has achieved such a goal before.

Ochocinco showed he had a pulse yesterday and caught a couple of passes for 45 yards. This was likely enough to halt any prolonged annoyance that we might have endured if he continued to put up goose eggs for his stats.

[Pro Football Talk]

We've covered the growth of soccer in the sports and media landscape here at AA over the last several months, from interviewing the sublime Ian Darke, to telling you about the new MLS/NBC contract, to covering FOX's foray into televising the English Premier League on a national broadcast network.  By the way, according to SBJ's Austin Karp, the tape-delayed Manchester United/Chelsea match on FOX yesterday brought better ratings than the PGA Tour Playoffs!  Even the most hateful of soccer haters has to admit the beautiful game is growing in popularity around the country.

But then again, you watch a clip like the following and just wonder if soccer will ever break through the glass ceiling in this country.  You're about to see the most famous soccer player in the world, David Beckham, go undercover on the daytime talk show Ellen selling his own cologne at a random Target store. Somehow, throughout the entire skit, nobody notices the world's most famous footballer selling his own cologne.  And it's not like Becks borrowed a disguise from Baron von Costume's Deluxe Disguise Kit (obscure Simpsons reference, check!).   

Give Becks credit for being a good sport as he's ordered to act like a fool by Ellen in this humorous clip. Let's face it, if you put Beckham in front of a store in London the man would literally be ripped to shreds. I especially love Becks' poor attempt at acting like a Texan and his constant misunderstanding of Ellen's directions.  And yes, if I can get my AA press credential in time for the Galaxy's trip to Columbus this Saturday, I'll ask Beckham if he thinks soccer has finally "made it" in the US.  Until then though, let's allow the soccer haters another chance to point and laugh at the lack of recognition for the one "grass fairy" who was supposed to be the most recent soccer messiah in the good old U.S. of A.

[H/T The Big Lead]

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*Since this was posted on Friday evening, we are moving our podcast with Bruce Feldman back to the top of AA so more of our audience will be able easily access the interview.  If you haven't had a chance to listen yet, you'll definitely want to check it out to get the full story from Bruce on his move from ESPN to CBS and #FreeBruce.

After being at the center of the biggest sports media story this year, Bruce Feldman broke his six week Twitter silence announcing his move from ESPN to CBS at the beginning of September.  You can now read his work at the new "Free Bruce" CBS blog.  The controversy regarding his "suspension" by ESPN was the talk of the sports media this summer and created a mini-Twitter revolution with the #FreeBruce hashtag trending worldwide.  In this interview, Bruce candidly speaks with AA about..

-What exactly happened between he and ESPN executives and their decision to discipline him. 
-His reaction to #FreeBruce and ESPN's statements. 
-Thoughts on the Poynter Institute as "ESPN ombudsman." 
-His Twitter silence and the decision to speak out about what happened at ESPN. 
-The opportunities and challenges ahead at CBS. 
-Working on television with the CBS Sports Network.

We hear straight from Bruce Feldman himself on these topics and many others.  After writing and investing so much in #FreeBruce and the impact of the story throughout the last two months, this is the one podcast that I've personally been anticipating.  A big thanks to Bruce and the folks at CBSSports.com for the effort to put together this podcast.  If you have followed Bruce's story throughout the last two months, this is the one interview you will want to hear.



The AA Feldman Files

The Bruce Feldman Suspension Is ESPN's Waterloo
Real Tweets From Real People - #Free Bruce
We've Lost The Ombudsman
When Did ESPN Lose Its Journalistic Integrity?
Breaking News: Bruce Feldman Leaving ESPN For CBS
The Definitive Oral And Written History Of Free Bruce

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One of the most fun plays in football is a defensive tackle who is able to intercept a pass and rumble down the field.  The rarity of the moment and the novelty of seeing a 300+ pound man carry a football contributes to the overall awesomeness of the play.  Vince Wilfork of the Patriots was able to do just that after he picked off Philip Rivers late in the first half of Sunday's Pats/Chargers game.  

The play was important in the context of the game too.  San Diego was driving, down 10, looking to get within a score before halftime.  Wilfork's INT and subsequent 28 yard return set up New England for a field goal in an eventual New England victory

Perhaps that's why Chargers radio play by play man Josh Lewin (also of MLB on Fox) added in this little jab at Wilfork's ample frame.  Doesn't it seem a little mean to go straight to Wilfork's body fat percentage instead of giving him some credit for his first career INT?  Poor Vince.  I know we like to get on announcing homerism, but while we're at it, let's stop bullying from road play by play guys!



And here's video of Wilfork's return.  I don't know about you, but I don't see any "belly fat just jigglin'."  It's not like Vince needs to go on The Biggest Loser or anything like that.  In my opinion, he's a finely conditioned athlete.  For being 325 pounds that is.  In fact, I'm convinced New England should hand him the ball to run with more often!  Could you imagine him and Dan Connolly in the same backfield?



H/T to Missak for sending in the clip!

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The Pam Ward Chronicles provided tons of great quotes this week and it was very tough for the nominating committee (aka me) to come up with the best of the best selections.  However, after many hours of careful deliberation (aka eeny meeny miny moe), we have brought to you our field of nominees for Week 3.  Pam Ward has taken the top spot in both Week 1 and Week 2, but I have a feeling she'll face stiff competition this week... particularly from some fantastic innuendo quotes, mostly from Gary Danielson in his 2011 debut.  Also, Mount Rushmore resident Craig James looks to kick start his Pammy campaign with a particularly strong showing.  As a reminder as to how this works, each week we'll nominate 15-20 quotes for you to pick the best 10.  The winning quote of the week will earn that person 10 points all the way down to 1 point for 10th.  Remember, you can vote for your favorite five quotes.  Here are your Week 3 nominees...

1) "Les Miles told me his defensive line loves to make plays and they are violent... violent in a good way." - Craig James (via bjoe109)

2) "You gotta hold your water." - Jesse Palmer (via bmaze) on LSU's defense jumping offside... or needing to pee.

3) "Coach, you're up by…almost two scores at halftime." - Jeanine Edwards (via 99_JDK) Boise led 20-9 at the half.

4) "Get ready for the most exciting 25 seconds in sport." - Dave Pasch (via CaptTouchback) as the Clemson team ran down their hill.

5) "A good defensive lineman may not make the tackle but he'll make a big pile of rear ends." - Chris Spielman (via CaptTouchback)

6) "He (Paul Johnson) is unconventional, no, inconventional, no, deconventional in his thought process." - Keith Jones (via sctvman)

7) "Chris Berman, the best analyst in the business." - Beth Mowins (via sctvman)

8) "That has to just drive your nuts." - Gary Danielson (via Powellabama)

9) "I wonder who decided to use 'Mississippi' to count as one second? Why not North Dakota or Minnesota?" - Verne Lundquist (via CaptTouchback) with a question that has plagued humanity till the dawn of time... or when Mississippi first became a state.

10) "Houston, scoring his 20th touchdown on the year, on the ground." - Pam Ward (via MDWDFW)

11) "Not only was the Navy runner untouched by human hands I don't think he could have been touched by a dodge ball" - Mike Patrick (via sctvman)

12) "The ball hits off three body parts. A hand, a helmet..well, a helmet's not a body part." - Gary Danielson (via CaptTouchback)

13) "if he wasn't a quiet guy, he would be a vocal leader on this club" - Craig James (via dhh78) on Marcus Lattimore.

14) "Got his hands on a lot of balls and then a sack." - Gary Danielson (via Ryan Scheb)

15) "Kirk Cousins also an internet sensation now after a speech that he gave at the annual Big Ten media luncheon went viral... has over 110 hits on Youtube." - Alex Flanagan (via Ben Koo) [VIDEO]

16) "Tie goes to the runner." - Matt Millen (via CK29) on an equal possession reception...it's not baseball, everyone's running

17) "It's so hard to win in football." - Tom Cole (via sctvman)

Vote For Your Week 3 Pammy Winners! (vote for up to five)

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The winners will come Wednesday morning so make sure you vote early and often and check back for the full Week 4 announcing sked later this week!

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On the surface, there isn't a lot that Frank Gore and Al Gore have in common besides their last name.  Frank is a Pro Bowl runing back for the San Fransisco 49ers, is 28 years old, African-American, and stands 5 ft. 9 in. tall.  Al is 35 years his senior, claimed to have created the internet, has a thing for the environment, is white, and has a problem invading the personal space of others.  In fact, besides these two sharing the same last name, I'm pretty sure it's impossible to confuse the two... unless of course you're name is Marty Thom Brennaman.

Now, comes another underrated clip for biggest announcing blooper of the year.  Watch and see if you could also confuse the former Pro Bowl running back with the former Vice President in the following clip.

[Cosby Sweaters]

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If you just watched the Floyd Mayweather Jr. vs. Victor Ortiz fight like I did, you are also probably stunned right now like I am.

Mayweather won the fight by way of a fourth round knockout, but it was done in a fashion that left many questioning the legitimacy of his win. You see, Ortiz head-butted Mayweather in the round, and the referee, Joe Cortez, broke the fighters up. Well, that's when things got crazy. Oritz apologized to Mayweather for the head-butt and went in for a hug. While this was happening, Mayweather threw two hard punches at Ortiz's face. Knockout.  

The main question here is, did Cortez signal for the fight to be resumed, or did Mayweather clock Ortiz during a timeout? It didn't look like Cortez asked for the fight to be resumed, but he awarded Mayweather the knockout. So that's sure to cause plenty of people to claim the fight was fixed.

And the craziness surrounding this fight continued after it was over. Larry Merchant, who has been an HBO boxing analyst/reporter since 1978, was interviewing Mayweather about the fight. Mayweather told Merchant, "HBO needs to fire you; you don't know shit about boxing." And he continued on.

Then, the 80-year-old Merchant replied with probably the greatest quote from a reporter ever: "I wish I was 50 years younger and I would kick your ass." 

Here's video not taken down by HBO from SportsGrid:

The Pam Ward Chronicles are here for Week 3 and the major story of the young college football season is the dominance of Pam Ward.  She's taken the win in the first two weeks of the Pammies.  Can anyone stop her from reclaiming her rightful throne?  This week, PamHawk is in Chapel Hill for Virginia @ UNC at 3:30 ET on ESPNU.  All eyes will be on tonight's games between Ohio State and Miami and the huge clash between #1 Oklahoma and #5 Florida State.  We will update the Pammies as we can with your comments in the open thread and Tweets to us at AA throughout the day.  Use the hashtag #PWAA to send in submissions via Twitter or leave a comment below.  The nominees will come Monday for you to vote on and the winners will be announced on Wednesday.  You can check out the winners from last week and the full Week 3 announcing schedule below.  Here's a few quotes from that bastion of freedom Craig James to get us started.

Week 2 Pammy Winners and Standings

Full Week 3 Announcing Schedule

Also, if you're a college football fan, make sure to check out our podcast from yesterday with Bruce Feldman of CBS Sports.
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"Not transferring shows you moxie." - Craig James (via sctvman)

"Les Miles told me his defensive line loves to make plays and they are violent... violent in a good way." - Craig James (via bjoe109)

You play 4 quarters in the SEC." - Craig James (via Michael Necci).  As opposed to the 3 quarters elsewhere.

"You gotta hold your water." - Jesse Palmer (via bmaze) on LSU's defense jumping offside... or needing to pee.

"LSU should continue the run here so their defense can rest" - Jesse Palmer (via CaptTouchback) on the first drive after halftime.

"What's new? it's DU at LSU!" - Craig James (via bjoe109) umm, what?