No, not the bowl of grass you're thinking. It's Fescue grass, the chunk of grass that Les Miles is holding and trying to get the GameDay crew to try to help take their show to the next level. Predictably, Fowler and Herbstreit pass on the grass, but Corso, always looking for an edge, is already treating himself to a nice bowl full: 

It is with great delight (and chubby) to bring back the annual Pammies and present to you the Week 1 CFB announcing schedule.

As done here every year, the Pam Ward Chronicles will provide you the only venue to chronicle all of the awful announcing you hear every week in college football. (Keep notes on the mid-week games because we won't put up the open thread for you to flood the comments until Saturday around 10 a.m. when ESPN Game Day starts to heat up.)

Your 2010 Pammy winner, Chris Spielman, will be at the Akron/OSU game at noon Saturday on ESPN. Sift through the rest of the schedule and pick your games wisely.  Welcome back, College football!

Thursday September 1

Murray State @ Louisville (6PM ESPN) Rob Stone, Danny Kanell & Allison Williams
Villanova @ Temple (7PM ESPN3) Scott Graham, Chuck Cecil
North Texas @ Florida International (7PM ESPN3) Kevin Corke, Doug Graber
Western Illinois at Sam Houston State (7PM Southland Network/WGEM (IL)/Comcast-DC/ESPN3) Randy McIlvoy, Shea Walker, Jane Slater
New Hampshire at Toledo (7PM ESPN3) Bill Clark, John Ross
Fordham at Connecticut (7:30PM) ESPN3 Bob Picozzi, Christian Fauria
Western Carolina at Georgia Tech (7:30PM ESPN3)  Ryan Rose, Warrick Dunn
North Carolina Central at Rutgers (7:30PM ESPN3)   Dave Popkin, Rob Harley
Illinois State at Eastern Illinois (7:30PM CSN-Chicago)   Dan Roan, John Jurkovic
West Alabama at South Alabama (7:30PM WJTC (AL/FL)/ESPN3)    Jim Cox, Dan Brennan, Pat Greenwood
Massachusetts at Holy Cross (8PM CBS Sports Network)    James Bates, Aaron Taylor, Brooke Collins
Drake at North Dakota (8PM FCS-Central)    Pat Sweeney, Mac Schneider
No. 20 Mississippi State at Memphis (8PM FSN-National)    Ron Thulin, JC Pearson, Jeremy Bloom
Montana State at Utah (8PM KJZZ (UT)/Max Media-Montana)    Steve Brown, David Locke, Mike Norseth
Wake Forest at Syracuse (8PM ESPN3)    Dave Weekley, John Bunting
UNLV @ No. 11 Wisconsin (8PM ESPN) Rece Davis, Craig James, Jesse Palmer & Jenn Brown
Kentucky vs. Western Kentucky (9:15 ESPNU) Dave Neal, Andre Ware & Cara Capuano – LP Field, Nashville

Friday September 2

Youngstown State at No. 17 Michigan State (7:30PM BTN)  Tom Hart, Derek Rackley, Lisa Byington
No. 14 TCU @ Baylor (8PM ESPN) Joe Tessitore, Rod Gilmore & Samantha Steele

Saturday September 3

Kent State at No. 2 Alabama (Noon SEC Network/GamePlan/ESPN3)    Dave Neal, Andre Ware, Cara Capuano
Akron @ No. 18 Ohio State (Noon ESPN) Dave Pasch, Urban Meyer, Chris Spielman & Quint Kessenich
Utah State @ No. 23 Auburn (Noon ESPN2) Beth Mowins, Mike Bellotti & Ivan Maisel
Miami (OH) at No. 21 Missouri (Noon FSN-National) Bill Land, Dave Lapham, Jim Knox
Northwestern @ Boston College (Noon ESPNU) Rob Stone & Danny Kanell
Indiana State at No. 25 Penn State (Noon BTN)   Matt Devlin, Glen Mason, Dionne Miller
Tennessee Tech at Iowa (Noon BTN)  Tom Werme, Danan Hughes, Stacy Paetz
Middle Tennessee State at Purdue (Noon BTN)  Wayne Larrivee, Joe Tiller, Jon Jansen
Appalachian State at No. 13 Virginia Tech (12:30PM ACC Network(National)/GamePlan/ESPN3) Steve Martin, David Archer, Mike Hogewood
South Dakota at Air Force (2PM The Mtn.) Todd Harris, Todd Christensen, Natalie Vickers
South Florida @ No. 16 Notre Dame (3:30 NBC) Dan Hicks, Mike Mayock & Alex Flanagan
Chattanooga @ No. 10 Nebraska (3:30 BTN) Kevin Kugler, Kelly Stouffer, Ahman Green
Minnesota @ No. 25 USC (3:30 ABC/ESPN2)Carter Blackburn, Brock Huard & Shelley Smith
Western Michigan @ Michigan (3:30 ABC/ESPN2) Mike Patrick, Craig James & Jeannine Edwards
Louisiana Monroe @ No. 6 Florida State (3:30 ESPNU)Pam Ward & Dan Hawkins
Troy at Clemson (3:30PM ESPN3)    Joe Davis, Warrick Dunn
UCLA at Houston (3:30PM FSN-National)    Craig Bolerjack, Joel Klatt, Petros Papadakis
Arkansas State at Illinois (3:30PM BTN)    Tom Hart, Chris Martin, Rebecca Haarlow
James Madison at North Carolina (3:30PM ACC Network (Regional)/GamePlan/ESPN3) Rich Waltz, Keith Jones, Jenn Hildreth
Delaware at Navy (3:30PM CBS Sports Network)    Tim Brant, Randy Cross, Kaylee Hartung
Southern Oregon at Portland State (4PM CSN-Northwest Bob Akamian, Rashad Floyd
BYU @ Mississippi (4:45 ESPN) Bob Wischusen, Bob Davie & Jessica Mendoza
San Jose State at No. 6 Stanford (5PM CSN-Bay Area)    Scott Reiss, Mike McLaughlin
Liberty at North Carolina State  (6PM ESPN3) Darren Goldwater, Rene Ingoglia, Angela Mallen
Colorado State at New Mexico (6PM The Mtn.)    Ari Wolfe, Blaine Fowler, Toby Christensen
William & Mary at Virginia (6PM ESPN3 Dave Weekley, John Gregory
Montana at Tennessee (6PM PPV/GamePlan/ESPN3)    Randy Smith, Jeff Francis
Buffalo at Pittsburgh (6PM ESPN3)    John Sanders, John Bunting
Missouri State at No. 14 Arkansas (7PM PPV/GamePlan/ESPN3)    Scott Inman, Jimmy Dykes
Ball State vs. Indiana @Indianapolis, IN (7PM ESPN3 Jim Barbar, Adam Archuleta
Alcorn State vs. Grambling State @Shreveport, LA (7PM ESPN3)    Adam Amin, Jay Walker
Morgan State at Towson (7PM CSN-MidAtlantic)    Brent Harris, Brad Jackson
Richmond at Duke  (7PM ESPN3)    Neil Solondz, Jay Taylor
Rice at No. 24 Texas (7PM Longhorn Network)    Mark Jones, Ed Cunningham, Samantha Steele
Louisiana-Lafayette at No. 8 Oklahoma State (7PM FCS-Central)    Steve Physioc, Yogi Roth, Desmond Purnell
Charleston Southern at Central Florida (7PM BH-Orlando)    David Baumann, Mark Royals
Austin Peay at Cincinnati (7PM Big East Network/GP/ESPN3) Tom Gelehrter, Artrell Hawkins, Ray Crawford
Army at Northern Illinois (7PM ESPN3)    Shawn Kenney, Bob Chmiel
Fresno State at California (7PM CSN-California)    Barry Tompkins, Mike Pawlawski, Dan Dibley
Florida Atlantic at No. 23 Florida (7PM ESPNU)    Clay Matvick, Brian Griese, Allison Williams
East Carolina vs. No. 12 South Carolina @Charlotte, NC (7PM FSN-National/ESPN3)    Bob Rathbun, Tim Couch, Kristina Akra
Florida Atlantic @ No. 22 Florida (7PM ESPNU) Clay Matvick, Brian Griese & Allison Williams
Eastern Washington at Washington (7:05PM Root Sports-Northwest/FCS-Pacific)    Tom Glasgow, Warren Moon, Jason Stiles, Jen Mueller
Elon at Vanderbilt (7:30PM CSN-Regional/BH-Tampa/CST/GamePlan/ESPN3)    Matt Stewart, Chris Doering, Maria Taylor
No. 3 Oregon vs. No. 4 LSU (8PM ABC) Brent Musburger, Kirk Herbstreit & Erin Andrews – Cowboys Stadium, Dallas
No. 5 Boise State vs. No. 19 Georgia (8PM ESPN) Brad Nessler, Todd Blackledge & Holly Rowe – Georgia Dome, Atlanta
Ohio at New Mexico State (8PM Altitude/GamePlan/ESPN3)    Glen Cerny, Danny Knee
Tulsa @ No. 1 Oklahoma (8PM FX) Gus Johnson, Charles Davis and Tim Brewster
Northern Arizona at Arizona (9PM FSN-AZ/KWBA (AZ)/FCS-Atlantic) Dave Sitton, John Fina, Glenn Howell
Cal Poly at San Diego State (10PM The Mtn.) Bill Doleman, Jay Leeuwenberg, Jenny Cavnar
Louisiana Tech at Southern Mississippi (10PM FSN-National) Ron Thulin, JC Pearson, Jeremy Bloom
Colorado @ Hawaii (10:15 ESPN2) Dave Lamont & David Diaz-Infante

Sunday September 4

Bethune-Cookman vs. Prairie View A&M @Orlando, FL (12PM ESPN/ESPN3) Mike Morgan, Jay Walker
Marshall @ No. 24 West Virginia (3:30 ESPN) Joe Tessitore, Rod Gilmore & Quint Kessenich 
SMU @ No. 8 Texas A&M (7:30 FSN) TBA

Monday September 5

Miami @ Maryland (8PM ESPN) Sean McDonough, Matt Millen & Heather Cox

Tuesday August 30

New York Yankees @ Boston Red Sox (MLBN 7PM) Bob Costas, Jim Kaat [Alt: Philadelphia @ Cincinnati]
Chicago Cubs @ San Francisco Giants (WGNA 10PM) Len Kasper, Bob Brenly

Wednesday August 31

Minnesota Twins @ Chicago White Sox (WGNA 2PM) Ken Harrelson, Steve Stone
New York Yankees @ Boston Red Sox (ESPN 7PM) Dave O'Brien, Nomar Garciaparra

Thursday September 1

New York Yankees @ Boston Red Sox (MLBN 7PM) Bob Costas, Jim Kaat [Alt: Washington @ Atlanta]

Friday September 2

Texas Rangers @ Boston Red Sox (MLBN 7PM) Local Broadcast [Alt: Chi White Sox @ Detroit]
Arizona Diamondbacks @ San Fransisco Giants (MLBN 10PM) Local Broadcast [Alt: Minnesota @ LA Angels]

Saturday September 3

Pittsburgh Pirates @ Chicago Cubs (WGNA 1PM) Len Kasper, Bob Brenly
Texas Rangers @ Boston Red Sox (FOX 4PM) Dick Stockton, Tim McCarver, Ken Rosenthal
Cincinnati Reds @ St. Louis Cardinals (FOX 4PM) Kenny Albert, Mark Grace
Chicago White Sox @Detroit Tigers (FOX 4PM) Matt Vasgersian, Mitch Williams
Arizona Diamondbacks @ San Fransisco Giants (MLBN 9PM) Local Broadcast [Alt: Minnesota @ LA Angels]

Sunday September 4

Pittsburgh Pirates @ Chicago Cubs (WGNA 2PM) Len Kasper, Bob Brenly
Texas Rangers @ Boston Red Sox (TBS 1:30PM) Brian Anderson, Ron Darling, John Smoltz
Chicago White Sox @ Detroit Tigers (ESPN2 8PM) Dan Shulman, Orel Hershiser, Bobby Valentine

H/T Sammy! 

I don't watch many Mariners games, especially in late August, but do their announcers just sit up in the booth and predict/wish for home runs all the time because they have to get happy about something? 

Well, Mariners' occassional color commentator Jay Buhner sort of called Mike Carp's game-winning homer last night against the Angels. C'mo'.

Yeah, that was more wishful thinking out loud, but, as Deadspin pointed out, it was perfect timing by Buhner. What the hell were the Yankees thinking trading this guy? C'mo'.

Apparently, Dancing With The Stars is a pretty popular show that has been a hot spot for athletes looking to improve their crossover appeal outside of sports.  Past winners have included athletes such as Emmitt Smith, Apolo Onho, Helio Castroneves, Kristi Yamaguchi, Shawn Johnson, and Hines Ward. To continue this tradition of athletes appearing on the hit ABC show, Hope Solo and Ron Artest join the cast this year alongside B-listers (Kristen Cavallari, JR Martinez, Nancy Grace), C-listers (David Arquette, Chaz Bono), and others scraping the bottom of the celebrity food chain (Rikki Lake, Rob Kardashian).

The cast as a whole shows how important sports figures are on DWTS.  Not only are there two well-known athletes in Solo and Artest, but dancers like Cavallari (former fiancee to Jay Cutler) and Robert Kardashian (a writer for ESPN.com's Page 2?!?) also have their own connections to the sports world.  At first glance, the most interesting sports figure in the cast is Ron Artest.  Will he try to fight Tom Bergeron or that really old judge?  Will he insist on doing the tango with his psychiatrist?  Will it be the only thing close to NBA action we'll see in the next year?  Many sports fans will tune in to watch the zany Artest/Metta World Peace, but the real rising sports star in the new DWTS cast is U.S. Women's Soccer Goalkeeper Hope Solo.

After the success of the Women's World Cup and a 2nd-place finish, Solo has immediately become the most well-known women's soccer player in the country.  And with the Williams sisters past the heights of their tennis careers and the lack of star power in the WNBA, one could easily argue Solo is becoming the most popular and recognizable female athlete in the country.  A long run on DWTS would not only help her profile among mainstream America, it could also help the growing popularity of women's soccer and soccer as a whole.  Of course, if rumors are true that Solo is posing nude in ESPN The Magazine, I think the U.S. goalkeeper already has the male 18-35 demo committed to stuffing the ballot box.

[Business Insider]

I just stumbled upon this year old video for the first time, but I gotta say it's one of my favorites. Gus Johnson looking swanky as hell in his black-on-black Detroit Tigers hat tilted to an almost dangerous degree recapping his call of our #3 Gus Johnson moment. Gus even brings up his controversial "get away from the cops speed" comment in describing Stokley. Finally, if breaking down what was already a year old play in front of an audience at a videogame convention wasn't awkward enough, the interviewer pesters Gus into reenacting the call. At first, Gus plays coy but then delivers a hilarious over the top call of the play complete with a band playing behind his call that recieves a standing ovation. Sure, that call and the actual Stokley call really weren't that similar, but that's bonus Gus, so I am appreciative.

Anyways, Madden '12 is out today. For many, Madden's release date serves as their personal opening day of the NFL season when they can lock themselves in with their pal Darren SHAHWPAH and lead the Bills to a 10-peat. I haven't picked up a Madden in years so I have no idea if Gus screams for 85% of the game or not, but it has to be more complex than when John Madden would just randomly yell "BOOM" or "POW" a couple times a game.

And, for no reason at all, please enjoy this ambulance montage from an earlier version of Madden football.

F YOU GUMBY.

Last week, we learned that one of our favorites, Brian Kenny, will be leaving ESPN. A personal favorite of mine, I mentioned to a friend how I watched his infamous interview with Floyd Mayweather live when it happened and have probably re-watched it ten times since. That says a lot as the clip is 13 minutes. 

My friend hadn't seen the clip in question so we fired it up and once again I reveled in the back and forth and Kenny's ownage of Mayweather. After 13 minutes, my friend uttered the words "I want to see it again, replay it." 

This got me thinking, what are the sports media clips with the most entertainment longevity? I'm sure I am missing some classics but here are ten that often help me to procrastinate the day away in no particular order.

1) Jim Everett Attacks Jim Rome

Do you respect Rome more or less because of this incident? 

   

2) The Joe Buck Show Unravels Thanks To Artie Lange

There really hasn't been this much drawn out awkward carnage on live television maybe ever. So memorable that this is only half of the fun with part two here. Seriously this is is just amazing.  

This weekend, Arian Foster pulled his hamstring in a preseason game, re-aggrivating an injury from earlier in training camp.  While the injury didn't look too serious, there's obviously concern for not only the Texans... but fantasy owners of Foster as well.  In analyzing NFL injuries, the first direction news goes these days is the "fantasy impact."  Go ahead and Google "Arian Foster injury."  Nearly all of the articles have to deal with fantasy football.  I get fantasy football, I've played it before, but it just doesn't hold anywhere near the same interest level for me as, ya know, real football.

Well, evidently all those stories and people asking about Foster's injury from the virtual perspective got to the Texans running back.  He took to Twitter to hit out about those people worried about their fantasy teams.  Actually, he referred to those people as "sick."  While that may be a bit harsh, I can understand Arian Foster's frustration - fantasy football has turned NFL players into numbers and fantasy points, as if the people behind the athletes weren't distant enough to begin with.  But one certain sports media personality felt the need to call out Arian Foster and engage in a mini-Twitter feud.  You'll never guess who it was...




First off, I'm offended because I must have been the only person on planet earth Cowherd didn't ask to co-sign his Tweet.  Even when Cowherd tries to make a joke, he comes off as a jerk.  Foster's "did your dreams die with your humility" line is an instant classic - one of the best Tweets I've ever seen in a Twitter feud.  

My favorite part of this Twitter sequence though is Cowherd's lame second response.  What does that Tweet about Wikipedia and poetry even mean?  Let me use a halfway sensical, random cultural analogy to analyze this as Cowherd would...

You know those annoying friends of yours that have to have the last word all the time.  No matter what you may say or how great a point you make, they always have to butt in at the end to get the last word.  Ha!  I mean come on!  These people will never let you win an argument.  You can just destroy this person, make all the sense in the world, and yet they'll keep coming at you with stupid persistence.  (laughs obnoxiously)  Really!  These people are on the same rung of humanity as the serial one-upper - you know that guy?  Just disgusitng people.  Ahh... Trent Dilfer joins us next in The Herd...  

Arian Foster 1, Colin Cowherd 0.  I'm scoring this mini-Twitter feud as a 2nd Round knockout in favor of the Texans running back.  Now that's a guy I want on my fantasy team.  
 

I pride myself on being an international sports fan and having an appreciation for sports like Aussie Rules Football.  There's something satisfying about being one of the few American sports fans that knows what exactly happens in this sport.  You've probably seen highlights somewhere of Aussie Rules and the Championship game (Grand Final) last year was televised on ESPN2 and ended in an epic draw (Collingwood beat St. Kilda in the replay a week later).  ESPN3.com broadcasts games every week as well.

That leads us to the weirdest man you'll ever see on a sports show.  The picture and video below come from Australia and The Footy Show.  The best way to describe The Footy Show is like a more risque version of Inside the NBA.  In fact, it's probably more entertaining than 95% of the same ol' studio shows we're used to.  The star of the show is ex-Geelong player and Hall of Famer Sam Newman.  Sam constantly pushes the boundaries and segments like Sam's Mailbag and Street Talk are hilarious... if you're willing to learn some Aussie lingo along the way and get used to the accents.

So as I was watching The Footy Show uploads on Youtube to get ready for the upcoming playoffs this week, I came across this man in white who was being hyped for a Street Talk appearance.  What could be so weird about this minature Aussie version of Tank Abbott?  Well, the multiple choice certainly peaked my interest...

By the way, "agates" are evidently slang for testicles.  Nice to know.  Needless to say, the video didn't disappoint.  Pay attention because the relative clip is only about ten seconds long.  Then jump ahead to the 7:55 mark for the really weird part.  This is one of the most bizarre things I've ever seen on a sports show anywhere around the world...


 

I'm going to try to stay positive with this next clip.  I can imagine it being very difiicult to be a sports anchor.  There's all sorts of obligations and pressure associated with being on television and probably a million things happening during a telecast.  Having a little experience with this kind of thing, I also know it's very easy to get tongue tied or make a Freudian slip during a telecast.  (I once referred to a defensive tackle as "Taylor Swift" instead of "Taylor Smith," d'oh!)  

So, I can't be too hard on Cindy Brunson for the following clip.  Besides, I used all of my sexual innuendo jokes for the month on this post.  The SportsCenter anchor had one of those hilarious moments when her brain and mouth weren't on the same page when she recapped Caroline Wozniacki's win in New Haven this weekend.  Wozniacki has been in the news for forming sports' newest power couple with golf's rising star, Rory McIlroy.  (We just need a terrible and forced one word nickname for them now - "WozMac?"  "RoWo?"  "Macnack?")  As the highlight ends, I think Cindy is trying to say Rory is "digging it" while watching in the stands.  What actually came out was something entirely different.  It's here I would insert more crude humor, but it's a Sunday after all.



A huge H/T to Jeff Lowe for sending us the clip.