By now you've probably all felt or heard that an earthquake hit practically the entire east coast of the United States, from New York down to as far south as Georgia and as far west as here in Ohio.  I didn't feel the quake, but plenty of family and friends here in Ohio did.  As is becoming the norm in our society, Twitter is the place to go to find out what is happening instantly.  Immediately, Tweets came down from folks all over the eastern half of the United States talking about what just happened.  Whenever a huge story like this breaks, Twitter is unquestionably the place to go.

However, with seismic stories like this (sorry) comes another predictable twist.  Everybody on Twitter immediately tries to come up with the best and funniest joke to seize their moment as the next social media viral senstaion.  This is actually funny for about 15 seconds.  This subplot of lame jokes surrounding any earth shattering event is actually more interesting than whatever story the jokes may be about.  Mind you, some of the jokes below are actually quite good in isolation, but trust me, you aren't the only person that thinks a Rex Ryan earthquake joke is a brilliant and original idea.  Sadly, this was an occasion where the husky men in sports were picked on mercilessly like a 7th grade gym class.  However, other targets emerged as well with everyone and their texting twelve year old nephew trying to get in on the fun of bad earthquake jokes.

As always, these are Real Tweets From Real People...

#Rex Ryan

mhicks Earthquake in New York? What happened? Rex Ryan fall down?
NYGiants4Natic Or maybe it was just Rex Ryan falling out of his chair #NYG #earthquake
SmokingWithHank Rex Ryan was having sex #Earthquake
steeler560 Reports are earthquake caused by Rex Ryan jumping up & down after Plaxico catches TD pass in practice today
gregcote Earthquake felt in New York blamed on Rex Ryan jumping jacks.

#Albert Haynesworth

RapSheet Guys: Sources cannot confirm Haynesworth's participation in #Patriots practice caused the earthquake. Searching for more sources...
RockTheRed Earthquake? I just thought Albert Haynesworth was back in DC for court.
JasonRomano Was Albert Haynesworth back on the practice field the earthquake we all felt along the Northeast
alexsemin Earthquake alert: Albert Haynesworth stepped on a weak spot on the earth's crust on the way to his hearing.
88_Virgo_ an earthquake felt in dc, somebody tell albert haynesworth "no means no"

#Prince Fielder

Aisle424 The earthquake is being felt as far west as Cincinnati? Prince Fielder must have really been jumping.
PRod85 are the brewers playing on the east coast? did prince fielder fall out of bed? #earthquake
nickpipitone The source of Milwaukee's earthquake hard to pinpoint, seeing that Prince Fielder is currently out of town.
theonederek There wasn't an earthquake. Prince Fielder just fell out of bed.
Scott_McMurtry: Reported cause of earthquake: Prince Fielder got up from his booth at Primanti's.

#Bartolo Colon & CC Sabathia

briancady Relax people, it wasn't a REAL earthquake... Bartolo Colon and CC Sabathia both happened to fall out of their beds at the same time.
DischInABox Everybody settle down. It wasn't an earthquake, it was Bartolo Colon and CC Sabathia doing running drills together.
WKWZsports "Sorry about the earthquake, mexican food last night." -Bartolo Colon
cjzero I though the Yankees had agreed to never allow Bartolo Colon & CC Sabathia to do jumping jacks simultaneously
DaddyFiles Earthquake? Or CC Sabathia jumping up to retrieve a Twinkie from the top of his locker?

#Eddy Curry

mdotbrown Calm down folks, that wasn't an earthquake. Eddy Curry just found out about the lockout.
ohmybachness I'm sure Eddy Curry had something to do with the East Coast Earthquake.
aeroflynn are we sure it was an earthquake and not Eddy Curry tripping over his own feet? #fatnumberonepicks
adamcbest That wasn't an Earthquake, NYC. That was just Eddy Curry going to the fridge.
puddleofaids Reports are confirmed that there was indeed an earthquake and not Eddy Curry working out...

#Miscellaneous

oopedup Was that Charles Barkley vs Godzilla part 2 or an earthquake?
JamesSimpson10 Never let Andy Reid take dancing classes again #Earthquake
drewmcfrizz Was that an earthquake or did Chris Christie just jump into the presidential race?
Fake_Buck It wasn't an earthquake, we just invited Sid Fernandez & Rich Garces for tryouts 
keithlaw Apparently they're evacuating Citizens Bank Park out of concern that the tremors mean thrown batteries won't hit their targets
MikeSielskiWSJ BREAKING: Local sports station in Philadelphia reports Cliff Lee raised his left hand to the sky to stop the #earthquake. #Phillies
ryascolot I thought Sal Paolantonio's sports reporting was worthless until I experienced his earthquake reporting...
texashsfootball Convinced the Earthquake happened because Tim Tebow got demoted to third string with the Broncos.
variety977 Are Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries honeymooning on the East Coast? #bootyshakin #earthquake
Supajoe This east coast earthquake is obviously divine retribution for Jersey Shore.
Jose313 Mother Nature is pissed at congress .. so it had to shake things up #earthquake #lamejoke #toosoon
SecPress Looks like #Gadhafi unleashed his #earthquake machine as a last ditch effort to remain in power...
TonyGrossi Yes, we're talking in #Browns press room about the possibility of an earthquake or Ted Washington just walked through the building.
friedmanjon Earthquake jokes are so 2:30.
BearcatsBlog #EarthquakeJoke

H/T to AA's Matt Clapp for the video at Sharapova's Thigh

Some big news dropped yesterday when USA Today reported that SportsCenter anchor, Friday Night Fights host, and ESPN Radio host Brian Kenny is leaving ESPN next month.  BK's last SportsCenter will take place sometime in early September.  Kenny has been one of ESPN's longest serving on-air personalities with thirteen years put in at Bristol, but will now move on.  Here's the details:

Anchor Brian Kenny is leaving ESPN and becoming a TV free agent.

Kenny will host his final SportsCenter in early September, confirmed ESPN spokesman Mike Soltys. "Brian did great work for us. His contract was up and he found a new opportunity," Soltys said Monday night.

Kenny currently hosts his own national show on ESPN Radio from 8 p.m. to 10 p.m. ET, Monday-Friday. He's also host of ESPN2's Friday Night Fights.

Curiously, this makes it sound like Brian Kenny is already moving on to a different network and has a new deal locked up.  Mike McCarthy of USA Today contends that Kenny could be moving to MLB Network where he would be reunited with former ESPNers like Peter Gammons and Harold Reynolds.  BK is most known for his work with boxing and baseball, so a move to MLB Network makes sense.  He would immediately become their highest profile studio host and lift their already acclaimed coverage.  I wonder though if the Soon To Be NBC Sports Network will strike with Kenny.  Remember, there was a brief snippet in a news report a while back that Versus NBC Sports Network was planning a daily 6 pm rundown show for the channel.  What better way to launch such a show than with the guy that anchored the 6 pm edition of SportsCenter?  That would be an immediate throw down the gauntlet at the leader, but perhaps it's just wishful thinking.

As for Kenny himself, at first, he was one of my least liked ESPN personalities.  Something about the cut of his gib didn't sit well with me, perhaps it was his willingness to speak his mind as an anchor.  But after a while, Kenny did something I thought was impossible - made me a regular watcher of ESPNEWS.  His work on the Hot List years ago was outstanding and BK quickly became one of my favorite ESPN personalities.  Kenny was just as comfortable talking to Teddy Atlas as he was Beano Cook or Tommy Smyth.  He then became one of SportsCenter's best anchors (for my money his pairing with Jay Harris is ESPN's #1 anchor duo), has shown his versatility with a solid radio show (he and Van Pelt are the top of the ESPN Radio national hosts), and has carried Friday Night Fights for years.  Of course, his interviews with Floyd Mayweather are the stuff of legend, too.  Slowly but surely, Brian Kenny became one of the core members of ESPN's on-air stable.  ESPN will certainly miss him, and it will be very interesting to see where he lands amongst the competition.  

[USA Today]

 

In rare baseball pitching matchups that rhyme, Phillies' southpaw Cliff Lee went up against Mets' righty Dillon Gee last night. Sportscenter's Robert Flores decided to channel his inner Robert Frost and get all B-Rad with it, effectively earning himself some of the attention he desperately wanted.

But it's not really because of his poetry, Cheers reference, or flashing of the universal sign language symbol for vagina; it's because he named-dropped our blog, Awful Announcing. Here's the fittingly shoddy video, if you can manage to make it through the Lee/Gee rhyming travesty (wow, it is easy to rhyme!):

           

"The guy[s] from Awful Announcing just pulled a hammy getting to the computer. [Levy chuckles]"

Our hammies, our hammies. The ripping and the tearing. The ripping and the tearing.

Well, Magglio Ordonez definitely smelt it, one must conclude that he indeed must have dealt it as well. It could have been all of that Latino food the Tigers had pregame that led to this very serious situation in the 9th inning of a very important game between the Tigers/Rays tonight. Anyways, after Rod Allen casually remarks that, "somebody must have blown some wind down there," that comment completely sidetracks him and Mario Impemba and they spend the next minute or so making fart jokes and giggling about it. In conclusion, farts are funny.

For those playing The Rod Allen Drinking Game, that is 2 drinks for general silliness.

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Monday August 22

New York Mets @ Philadelphia Phillies (MLBN 7PM) Local Broadcast [Alt: Boston @ Texas - 8PM]

Tuesday August 23

Boston Red Sox @ Texas Rangers (MLBN 8PM) Local Broadcast [Alt: Atlanta @ Chi Cubs]
Chicago White Sox @ Los Angeles Angles (WGNA 10PM) Ken Harrelson, Steve Stone

Wednesday August 24

Boston Red Sox @ Texas Rangers (ESPN2 7PM) Sean McDonough, Aaron Boone, Rick Sutcliffe
Chicago White Sox @ Los Angeles Angles (ESPN2 10PM) Dave O'Brien, Chris Singleton

Thursday August 25

Oakland Athletics @ New York Yankees (MLBN 1PM) Local Broadcast [Alt: Detroit @ Tampa Bay]
Atlanta Braves @ Chicago Cubs (WGNA 2PM) Len Kasper, Bob Brenly
Boston Red Sox @ Texas Rangers (MLBN 8PM) Matt Vasgersian, Joe Magrane [Alt: Pittsburgh @ St. Louis]

Friday August 26

Chicago Cubs @ Milwaukee Brewers (WGNA 8PM) Len Kasper, Bob Brenly
Los Angeles Angels @ Texas Rangers (MLBN 8PM) Local Broadcast [Alt: Pittsburgh @ St. Louis]

Saturday August 27

Atlanta Braves @ New York Mets (FOX 4PM) Kenny Albert, Mark Grace, Ken Rosenthal
Detroit Tigers @ Minnesota Twins (FOX 4PM) Mario Impemba, Bert Blyleven
Colorado Rockies @ Los Angeles Dodgers (FOX 4PM) Daron Sutton, Eric Karros
Pittsburgh Pirates @ St. Louis Cardinals (FOX 4PM) Dan McLaughlin, Mitch Williams
Chicago Cubs @ Milwaukee Brewers (WGNA 7PM) Len Kasper, Bob Brenly
Los Angeles Angels @ Texas Rangers (MLBN 8PM) Local Broadcast [Alt: San Diego @ Arizona]

Sunday August 28

New York Yankees @ Baltimore Orioles (TBS 1:30PM) Ernie Johnson, John Smoltz
Chicago White Sox @ Seattle Mariners (WGNA 4PM) Ken Harrelson, Steve Stone
Los Angeles Angels @ Texas Rangers (ESPN 8PM) Dan Shulman, Bobby Valentine

H/T Sammy! 

The Cubs and Cardinals were featured on Sunday Night Baseball last night from Wrigley.  With Orel Hershiser at the LLWS, it was just Dan Shulman and Bobby Valentine in the booth.  In the top of the 7th inning, with the Cards leading 6-2, Bobby Valentine brought up Cubs All-Star shortstop Starlin Castro daydreaming in the infield.  Mentioning this and saying that Castro needs to learn to be on his toes would be one thing... but Bobby V didn't stop there, no.  He then went on a SEVEN MINUTE rant about the Cubs All-Star, including some rather harsh comments.  A big thanks to Clubhouse Cancer for uploading and sending us the video...

"He needs to learn the game and play it properly."

"If those things are allowed to exist, then a cancer will form within the team."

"It's like a math genius coming into your geometry class and knowing that he understands math and he's going to learn a new level of math while you're teaching him geometry.  The major leagues is a new level of baseball.  This young man has great talent, he knows how to play the game, but he doesn't know how to play the major league game."

Yes, Bobby Valentine said that a 21 year old shortstop who leads the National League in hits doesn't know how to play the major league game.  Does Bobby V make a good point about Castro's defense - yes.  His 21 errors leads the National League, but is it really worth a seven minute rant to talk about what Castro is doing before the pitch?  Does Bobby V need to rip Castro for eating sunflower seeds?  Is it worth insinuating he's a cancer or that he "doesn't know how to play the major league game?"  No.  For some reason, Dan Shulman or someone in the truck wanted this conversation to carry on for the entirety of the half inning, which was overkill to the extreme.

The Cubs definitely have a problem with cancers in the clubhouse, but is Starlin Castro one of them?  The kid is 21 years old and is clearly the best player on a team that has a lot of bigger problems to worry about.  Valentine's point would be valid if this video had stopped after a minute, but this rant was excessive and creates silly headlines like "Valentine says Castro doesn't know how to play Major League Baseball."  Consider all of this serious analysis about playing the right way in the majors is also coming from a guy who wore a fake mustache in the dugout.

Which brings us to Bobby V and his announcing.  Many observers on Twitter believed he was shamelessly positioning himself for future consideration as the Cubs' new manager throughout last night's broadcast.  Valentine's announcing has been largely regarded as a failed experiment in the Sunday night booth.  He's an interesting personality, but hasn't been a good fit for baseball fans as a game analyst.  In fact, we've had several Tweets throughout the season saying he's actually worse than Joe Morgan!  High praise, indeed.  It will be interesting to see if ESPN admits failure in their primetime baseball slot after only a season and goes in a different direction next year.

This weekend, some of the best basketball players on the planet all took the same court... and it had nothing to do with the NBA.  The Goodman League All-Stars defeated the Drew League All-Stars 135-134 in a game played in Washington DC.  The Drew (Los Angeles) and Goodman (DC) Leagues are two of the premier basketball leagues in the country and have been flooded with NBA players during the lockout.  On the floor for Saturday night's Capital Punishment game was a who's who of NBA stars - Kevin Durant (who led all scorers with 44 points), John Wall, Ty Lawson, Demarcus Cousins, Brandon Jennings, and James Harden just to name a few.  Kobe and LeBron have both made appearances in the Drew League this Summer as well.  With the success and hype for this weekend's game, there is already talk of a second game happening soon in Los Angeles.  Here's the highlights from DC...



All of these summer league highlights beg the question... whatever happened to the NBA...

If there is one sure way to guarantee you will be on Awful Announcing, it is by ending your game-winning call by screaming WOOHOOOO in euphoria 3000 times the normal volume. This is exactly what the Houston Dynamo's PBP man (whom I believe is Charlie Pallilo) did following an absolutely perfect left footed strike in extra time with seconds to go to break a tie with Real Salt Lake. Here's exactly what he said for those of you with broken computer speakers.

"Dixon top of the box, Dixon still going, Dixon fires... HE GOT IT, OH MY GAWDDDD! WHAT A WINNER! THE DYNAMO ACADEMY PRODUCT, IN THE 93RD MINUTE! ALEX DIXOONNN! WOOOOHHOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!"

I gotta say, I love the enthusiasm. I'm happy this found its way to the youtubes because I always find ecstatic soccer announcing goals fantastic. And videos of dogs, definitely love the videos of dogs.

[Deadspin]

Amidst all of the talk and analysis of the University of Miami football scandal, Dick Vitale's opinion hasn't crossed many people's minds.  However, he found himself on Miami radio to talk to the folks at Dan LeBatard's program yesterday.  Usually, I'm not a fan of Vitale and his schtick.  In fact, pretty much the only personality at ESPN who has become more of a caricature of himself is Chris Berman.  And a large part of Vitale's shtick has been protecting the NCAA and the glamorous programs of college basketball. 

Give Dickie V credit for calling on Donna Shalala to resign though, an opinion that's been slow to develop. After all, the national media became hoarse calling for Orville Reddenbacher/Gordon Gee to resign at Ohio St. and he wasn't exactly photographed taking a check from a convicted felon.  However, when pressed by LeBatard's cohost Jon Weiner about rampant renegade programs in the NCAA, Vitale predictably put his head back in the sand.  While Vitale is right in saying not every program buys their players prostitutes, only true apologists would claim there isn't a systemic problem in the NCAA. What was more surprising though, was Vitale abruptly hanging up on the interview... maybe he had to catch the early bird special?

Wow.  Rarely will Vitale get that fired up unless it's his annual bubble team rant.  After watching the clip though, the biggest loser in the entire exchange was Dan Le Batard.  I've constantly been on the fence about Le Batard, at times he seems like one of the few sportswriters who are courageous enough to take an unpopular stand.  But most times, especially when subjects hit too close to home (The U, Miami Heat, ESPN), he rolls over and plays dead.  Seriously, is Dick Vitale going to go to the Bristol principal's office and tattle that LeBatard and his co-host were big bad meanies?  If Dan LeBatard can't stand up to Dickie V of all people... what hope does that leave for his new ESPN2 afternoon series to be anything more than a lame dog and pony show? 

[H/T USA Today]

Of course, the biggest sports story to drop this week was the Yahoo report that demolished the Miami Hurricanes football program.  While the traditional sports media was caught with their pants down, Yahoo brought forward an unbelivably detailed and thorough report documenting the scandal at The U and cementing their status as the best reporting site around.  So, you could understand if the notable Cane alums in the media were a bit shellshocked by the report.

In fact, you can clearly see in interviews given this week that former U players Warren Sapp and Michael Irvin (of NFL Network) and former coach Jimmy Johnson (of Fox) are battling through the Five Stages Of Grief.  From the amateur psychologist's point of view it really is quite enthralling...

1) Denial 

Jimmy Johnson was on Mike & Mike this morning and had this to say...

"I know the people and the media right now are reading all these allegations.  Let's not forget this convicted felon, he cheated people out of over $900 million dollars.  And a little parasite, you know, his entire lifestyle was a lie.  So I'm sure some of these allegations are embellished.  I'm sure some of them are lies, so, let's wait until we get the facts before we start convicting anybody."

Mike Greenberg: "That's fair."

Way to hold Jimmy accountable Greeny, because, you know, it's not like these allegations are substantiated by any documentation anywhere.  Most of it is just mean and nasty rumors from a criminal with an axe to grind.  It's not like you can click on every player involved in the investigation and see evidence that this happened...

Oh, wait... you can do that?  Well, it's not on ESPN and Fox, so we have to wait and see before we start convicting anybody.  Yes, let's wait until the facts come out.  Good work Jimmy, you're on your way to coping with this...